That Fat Bitch Was My Wife!

THAT FAT TWO TIMING BITCH! Last night I got home late from work and logged onto my computer to check my email. I first found a very generous coupon from Border's Book Stores of America for their Labor Day Sale. Wow what a nice surprise! But then I found something that was not so nice indeed. My wife accidentally CC'd me on a series of sexually charged photos of her, our live in nurse Rosa, and my best little friend Ronald. Menage-a-what-the-hell?

I confronted my wife, but she tried to claim that Ronald had slipped her a roofie. I told her to take her Precious Moments collection and get the hell out! Just then I turned and saw Rosa climbing out the bathroom window and fleeing across the lawn in nothing but a thong and a cut-off t-shirt. Not too bad...if you're into medicine balls filled with cottage cheese. But that little bastard Ronald...I'm more disappointed in him than any one else. He told me that he didn't have any man-junk, but that even if he did, he'd never try to hook up with my wife or Rosa because he'd taken a vow of celibacy in honor of our friendship! He'd better hope I don't find him! I'm going by Wendy's tomorrow to see if he's man enough to face the music. If I see the top of his little hat running through the kitchen, its gonna be on!

Below I've attached the only picture clean enough for the internet.

Now I know what happened to my cap-gun! Damn you Ronald, you said we were BFE&Es!*

*BFE&E's = Best Friends Forever And Ever - Editor

Why?

Last night I woke up from a very hard dream. In it, I met a young squirrel who could speak, but only in French. I searched the whole of the land looking for a current French/English dictionary. Finally I found one at a participating Rite Aid Superstore. And, after hours of decoding the mysterious young squirrels French-infused diatribe, I leered at my Big Chief Tablet and read aloud the quandary he posed to me. 'Why aren't there more songs about farting?' it read. "Exactly" I said to myself. Why didn't I think of that? And then I wept as the young squirrel became a beautiful butterfly and flew away. And I could swear that, as he disappeared over the horizon, I heard a tiny little butterfly fart. Thank you Mr. Sandman. May all of your dreams come true.

I Pledge to Be Mellow-dramatic and Preposterous

I pledge to put my boot up the ass of any/every one of the morons in this video given the opportunity. Except Jason Batemen, because I think he's funny, and the chick at 1:50 because there are other things I'd rather do to her (if you get my drift) and, finally, the dickweed from the Chili Peppers because I wouldn't want to contract any STD's... plus he might enjoy it. What are you willing to pledge?

Protect your children.

BTW, if you're a god lover like me, you need to check out these smoking hot PJs! They are GUARANTEED to insure your children a successful life.

Praise ye the lord...indeed.

Attention Comic Book Fans!

Hey check out this new series of indie graphic novels. Looks promising. I'm going to get my hands on some copies and have the crew do some reviews. You might want to go grab some copies yourself...you know how these independent comics can be!

The Land of the Rats Store
The Land of the Rats Blog

Cinematic Titanic :: The Doomsday Machine

Joel Hodgson, Trace Beaulieu, J Elvis Weinstein, Frank Conniff, Mary Jo Pehl and a real turd of a movie. What more could one ask for? Well maybe some pita chips and hummus, but that's cool. Let's review...

The last couple of years have brought us the return of Mystery Science Theater 3000 in the form of Cinematic Titanic and Rifftrax which a lot of people have boiled down to two opposing teams, The Joel Team vs. The Mike Team, as if it were a competition. I'm sure there's some good-natured rivalry there. But, in my opinion, there's really no need to have the Joel vs. Mike debate. It's apples and oranges. Like asking which is better, A1 or Heinz 57. They're both savory sauces, and quite delicious in their own right, but ultimately it just depends if you like it tangy or a tad sweet. Well as for me, I like both.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that, like an open marriage, it's okay to love both Rifftrax and Cinematic Titanic, and I do. So tonight it was the Cinematic Titans, and together we watched The Doomsday Machine before they left me alone with my cat like so many women before them. But I digress.

I won't review The Doomsday Machine itself, as I don't like giving away plot points. (Although I didn't actually notice any, still I'm fairly certain there were some hiding in there somewhere.) What I do want to review is the Cinematic Titanic experience. And my review is going to be short and to the point. Cinematic Titanic is, at it's essence, the "Joel years" of MST3K and then some. Watching The Doomsday Machine (or any of the other Cinematic Titanic titles for that matter) is like sitting down to watch a z-grade movie with old friends. Old friends with PhD.'s in riffing mind you, but old friends none the less. Sure you might miss the 'bots, but that's just a testament to strangely familial feelings these guys elicit. In short, Cinematic Titanic is everything you would want it to be. It's MST3K v3.0.2* and I like it and, if you've read this far, I'm certain you'll like it too.

If you haven't seen a Cinematic Titanic flick, get The Doomsday Machine. Heck get them all! Buy 'em, watch 'em, and tell your friends about 'em. I bought mine from EZTakes.com because I have little patience (EZTakes offers immediate download) And, just for the record, I'm in no way affiliated with Cinematic Titanic, or EZtakes. I just want to keep them keeping me laughing. Werd up!

*In all fairness, Rifftrax was out first and has thus been designated MST3K v3.0.1 by our staff. - Tod

Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!: Season Three

It's been a while, but we're back...kind of. Due to extenuating circumstances and the current financial climate, WMTDS has been forced to close it's offices in Los Angeles and New York =( But hey, that's what coffee shops with free wi-fi are for right? And sadly we had to scuttle our largely intern-based staff. Don't worry they're all receiving care packages. But enough about us and our woes, let's review some shit. How about Some T&E?

OMG it's season 3! What a great product. This ellaborate DVD box set includes every episode from the Tony Award winning third season of Tim And Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! Over 475 minutes of Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim doing what they do best...making me laugh, thus temporarily forgetting what a massive shit-nugget my life really is. Thanks Tim. And Eric thank you as well. If you don't own this collection, buy it. And while you're at it, go ahead and buy Season One & Two too. 'Cause let's face it, most likely your life is a gigantic turd as well. LET'S LAUGH!