Saturday, September 26, 2009

Monday, September 21, 2009

Put A Stake in Her...She's Done!

Okay, enough with the vampire movies already and the once-alluring Megan Fox as well. One too many magazine covers declaring her the new 'bad girl' and an equally ridiculous number of interviews talking about what a nympho she is. What a joke. Everyone in Hollywood is dark and edgy and they shit gold and screw like rabbits. Please. MF's a bad girl just like Avril Lavigne used to be.
>>Check out Avril's new clothing line now available at Kohl's! <<
Don't get me wrong MF is a knockout, but once the mouth opens and the noise begins, it all melts away. To make matters worse, her 'acting' voice sounds like some 1940's starlet trying to seduce Clark Gable, that or she just really likes baby talk.

As for the movie, 'Jennifer's Body' looks like a Sci-Fi original mated with Twilight and some low-level pseudo-porn. The dialogue is so forced and contrived that it makes me wonder if Diablo Cody doesn't have a 13 year old ghost writer. It's 'Juno' with fangs. The only draw is all the little boys and girls hoping to get a gander at MF doing what she does best, acting slutty. And I stress the word 'acting'. I mean, it's obvious that she's a slut, but her hyper-sexuality is such a put on. That being said, she's more than welcome to drop by and prove me wrong...but no talky talky.

P.S. Here's an unofficial and incomplete list of vampire movies from last year to next:

Beyond the Rave (2008)
Blood on the Highway (2008)
The Kiss (2008)
L.A. Gothic (2008)
Let the Right One In (2008)
Lost Boys: The Tribe (2008-DVD only)
Out of the Night (2008)
True Blood (2008-HBO series)
Twilight (2008)
Zen in the Art of Slaying Vampires (2008)

The Bleeding (2009)
Blood: The Last Vampire (2009)
Castlevania (2009)
The Coffin (2009)
Cirque du Freak (2009)
Daybreakers (2009)
The Dead Matter (2009)
Hello Darkness (2009)
High Midnight (2009)
The Informers (2009)
Jennifer's Body (2009)
Lesbian Vampire Killers (2009)
Live Girls (2009)
PCP... A VanGuard Chronicle (2009)
Priest (2009)
The Revenant (2009)
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Undead (2009)
Sodium Babies (2009)
Suck (2009)
Twilight Watch (2009)
Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (2009)
Vampire in Vegas (2009)
Virulents (2009)

The Historian (2010)
The Knights Templar (2010)
Last Blood (2010)
Let the Right One In (U.S. Remake) (2010) Why do we need a remake?
New Moon (2010)
The Un-Dead (2010)

Thursday, September 17, 2009

That hamburger I just ate.

We're pleased to announce that WMTDS has a new writer, his name is Darryl and he is going to "kick it up a notch" around here as our resident food critic! Take it away Darryl...

Let's get one thing straight, I don't like doing food reviews but that dickweed boss here said that was the only job they had open.

I guess I'm going to review the hamburger I just ate. I don't remember where I got it, and there ain't a chance in hell I'm digging the wrapper out of the break room trash can. It smells like a small child died in there.
That hamburger tasted just like a hamburger should taste. DELICIOUS! First my teeth hit the bread and then there was mustard, some pickles, an onion, a cheese square and in the middle, a brownish beef patty which spat pink blood juice into my mouth as I broke it's tender outer membrane. I only wish I had found one of them arteries that occasionally get through the grinder intact. My hamburger was salty and chewy and made me remember why I love killing animals. They taste so damn good after you de-bone them, chop off there muscle parts and grind them into meat. If you don't eat cow meat you should. It tastes better than that tofukki all them nancy boys in Los Angeles eat! I might have to buy me a cow, chop him up and eat him this weekend. You should do the same and stop spending so much at Denny's you asshole.

Diane Birch Is My Birch.

Ok...I'm in love again. Miley has proven herself to be a tart. D you Miley, you pole-dancing teenage tramp! Peddle your std-ridden wares at your grandma's trailer park!

But in this time of utter and complete heartbreak, I have found an angel. An angel with the voice of an...I have found an angel. Her name is Diane Lucrecia Birch. She dropped the Lucrecia to distance herself from her ethnic heritage, she's half Black Irish. But regardless of her checkered background, she sings like a bird with human vocal cords and a set of angel lungs. And she plays piano like a small man with 6 fingers on his left hand and up to 9 fingers on his right hand.

The album is called Bible Belt and it's very religious. The track 'Rise Up' is a plea to renounce God and enjoy life. The song 'ChooChoo' deals with the reality of burning in hell for eternity and how fun it will be. And then there's 'Forgiveness' which starts off with Hallelujah! I feel like I just went to church!

Todd's Take!

I love you Diane. I dream of giving you long, wet kisses on your Adam's apple. I want to serve you a large plate of linguine with basil marinade, topped with mouth-watering turkey-loaf balls filled with onion and cilantro flakes, and a side of Texas toast moistened with garlic butter. Please call me Daines! I will let you eat it the concoction off of my lower back like in the olden days. I'm a giving lover. Let's kiss!

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Saturday, September 5, 2009

That Fat Bitch Was My Wife!

THAT FAT TWO TIMING BITCH! Last night I got home late from work and logged onto my computer to check my email. I first found a very generous coupon from Border's Book Stores of America for their Labor Day Sale. Wow what a nice surprise! But then I found something that was not so nice indeed. My wife accidentally CC'd me on a series of sexually charged photos of her, our live in nurse Rosa, and my best little friend Ronald. Menage-a-what-the-hell?

I confronted my wife, but she tried to claim that Ronald had slipped her a roofie. I told her to take her Precious Moments collection and get the hell out! Just then I turned and saw Rosa climbing out the bathroom window and fleeing across the lawn in nothing but a thong and a cut-off t-shirt. Not too bad...if you're into medicine balls filled with cottage cheese. But that little bastard Ronald...I'm more disappointed in him than any one else. He told me that he didn't have any man-junk, but that even if he did, he'd never try to hook up with my wife or Rosa because he'd taken a vow of celibacy in honor of our friendship! He'd better hope I don't find him! I'm going by Wendy's tomorrow to see if he's man enough to face the music. If I see the top of his little hat running through the kitchen, its gonna be on!

Below I've attached the only picture clean enough for the internet.

Now I know what happened to my cap-gun! Damn you Ronald, you said we were BFE&Es!*

*BFE&E's = Best Friends Forever And Ever - Editor


Last night I woke up from a very hard dream. In it, I met a young squirrel who could speak, but only in French. I searched the whole of the land looking for a current French/English dictionary. Finally I found one at a participating Rite Aid Superstore. And, after hours of decoding the mysterious young squirrels French-infused diatribe, I leered at my Big Chief Tablet and read aloud the quandary he posed to me. 'Why aren't there more songs about farting?' it read. "Exactly" I said to myself. Why didn't I think of that? And then I wept as the young squirrel became a beautiful butterfly and flew away. And I could swear that, as he disappeared over the horizon, I heard a tiny little butterfly fart. Thank you Mr. Sandman. May all of your dreams come true.

I Pledge to Be Mellow-dramatic and Preposterous

I pledge to put my boot up the ass of any/every one of the morons in this video given the opportunity. Except Jason Batemen, because I think he's funny, and the chick at 1:50 because there are other things I'd rather do to her (if you get my drift) and, finally, the dickweed from the Chili Peppers because I wouldn't want to contract any STD's... plus he might enjoy it. What are you willing to pledge?

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Protect your children.

BTW, if you're a god lover like me, you need to check out these smoking hot PJs! They are GUARANTEED to insure your children a successful life.

Praise ye the lord...indeed.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Attention Comic Book Fans!

Hey check out this new series of indie graphic novels. Looks promising. I'm going to get my hands on some copies and have the crew do some reviews. You might want to go grab some copies know how these independent comics can be!