Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Goodby King Jacksons! You sang so good!

We the staff of WMTDS would like to apologize for not posting this weekend. Upon hearing of the death oF the King of Pop, We decided to hold vigil outside Neverland Ranch and report from there, but Andy forgot his Laptop computer. Good thing I had my new Digital Blue - Snap! 5.0-Megapixel Digital Camera from Best Buys! Mike didn't want to go, but I said he had to go for his job. Father Keeble brought a whole box of Jesus Juice and we slept in the WMTDS van. It was just like camp-outs my parents gave me as a child!

We stayed up all night the first night talking about our memories of Jacksons and singing our favorite songs on Andy's Karaoke Machine. What a night!! Father Keeble sang a tearmaking version of "You Are Not Alone" and then we had a short Bible study. When I woke up Sunday morning I saw Andy trying to scale the wall to get into Neverland. "Stop him!" I yelled. He was wrestled to the ground by security and put in handcuffs. Luckily Father Keeble was able to talk them into letting him go. After that we were asked to leave. Oh well it was fun while it lasted. Goodbye King Jacksons. I hope you are riding a ferris wheel wherever you are. Shamon!

Here is a beautiful tribute from Celine Dions for the King of Pop!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Images by Tod.

Many peoples have asked to see a larger example of my works. And a quick reminder: Due to the recent economic downturn I have redused the price of a portrait image of you from me. Now I will paint you for just $1,745.00. Look above for a recent image I was comissioned to create. Guess who? Here's a hint, she is a verily fanus lady. Below is her image put to poetry...by me!

Please don't steal this image for your lady!

If She Didn't Want Me Looking In Her Window, Why Didn't She Fix That One Blind? by Stormcrow

I can't go into too much detail due to some legal mumbo jumbo, but I have to ask you. If you didn't want people looking into your window, would you leave one of the slats on your mini-blinds kind of bent up where anyone could just climb through your hedges and look through?

Me neither! But that's what I was faced with last Thursday night while out for a late night stroll through my cousin's apartment complex. There I am just minding my own business, headed up to Citgo Xpress to get some Copenhagen and a Miller Lite, when I look over and see the faint shadow of what appears to be a legal aged woman motioning for me to come to her window. So I quietly climb through the hedges and see an opening in the blinds. Naturally I look to see what I can see, and to my surprise I see a beautiful young *(This portion of Mr. Cohen's account has been deleted due to ongoing litigation- WMTDS Legal Dept.)* ...because I'm in handcuffs in the back seat of a cop car waiting for my ride downtown. She won't even look at me!

Anyhow a few hours later, Tod comes down and posts bail for me and I go home and try to call *(This portion of Mr. Cohen's account has also been deleted due to ongoing litigation- WMTDS Legal Dept.)* ...but I don't think she has a foot to stand on! I'd try to go reason with her but her parents slapped a restraining order on me so fast my head spun. Nevertheless, she's working Tuesday night at the student union, so hopefully I'll get a chance to talk to her. I am prepared to offer her up to $250.00 and an iPod shuffle in recompense. I don't expect her to ask me to Sadie Hawkins, but I'm really tired of being made to feel like some kind of weirdo. You know what I mean?

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Sings of the Apocalypse! by Father Keeble

I am here today to address one of our nations most rapidly growing problems, "Christian Rock and Roll" music. As most of you already know, young people are flocking to it in droves, like lambs to a slaughter. It's touted as being an alternative to the more harmful secular brand of music populating the airwaves today. And this is precisely what's wrong with so called "Christian Rock". It is virtually indistinguishable from the satanic secular rock and roll that is corrupting our nations most vulnerable minds. It's loud, raucous, angry, and filled with subversive overtones. Below is a video by one of the hottest Christian "Rock and Rollers" in the last several years. They call themselves Sonseed. This is a group so vile in it's appearance and delivery that I shutter to feature their "music" here. And, if not for the souls literally hanging in the balance, indeed I would not. Take special note of the lascivious look given the viewer by the lead "singer" at around 1:13, followed almost immediately by backup "singer" Larry Phillips attempting to look down the blouse of his female cohort. Watch, but with extreme prayerfulness, the music video below. And then repent for what you've seen. Zzzap!

Hey Look At me I Have a Blueray DVD!!!! by Tod

Wow, my bosses sure like me so much. Last night at the 25th Annual WMTDS employee appreciation dinner and dance, my lady boss, Mrs. Douglas, presented me with a "Good Time Achievement Award for Good Work" that was a BlueRay player and also a dvd of the movie Iron Mans. What a surprise! Thank you Lady Douglas.

First I can review the BlueRay player from the company Magnavox Brands. What a good machine! It is black and kind of square shaped and will accept up to one blueray disc at a times. The sticker on the box say the model is the "Refurbished".

Now on to the movie.

Now I will review the movie.

The movie I am reviewing is the DVD release of America's number one blockbuster IRON:MANS. Starring Morton Downey Jr., Gweenith Paltrow, Cuba Gooding Jr., (Wow lots of juniors!) and Yul Brenner as Iron Mongrel.

First let me say that the picture on this DVD is incredulous! You can see all of the details of the movie. One time I was looking a Toni Starks {SPOILER ALERT!!} who is also Iron Mans, and I thought I saw a booger on his nose. I laughed so much that I almost passed out! LMAO ROLF LOL! Then when {SPOILER ALERT!!} when Tony almost dies in a missile attack while serving his country in Iraq you see blood meat come out of his best friends head and it seems very realistic!! These are just one of the details you can see. I will not turn back from Blu-Ray now!

The movie itself is very good. I liked watching Tony Starks go from a poor soldier in Iraq to rich regular man in California. What a insperational story. Tony has a beautiful girl named Potsy Potts (Gweenith Platrow) who lives in his house. If I was Tony I would kiss Potsy Potts's neck late at night and see her without clothing. BUT TONY STARKS IS ONLY IN LOVE WITH HIMSELF!!!! This is a movie that I will see again and again. Buy a copy TODAY!!

Buy 4 copies of IronMans on blueray today and also buy the other Iron Mans as well as this handy IronMans childrens sized costume also for just $135.94 plus shipping and handling.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Get Ready to Receive! by Mike

Hey friends and fans, we're getting ready for our first big give away here at wmtds, and we want you to be the first to win. You'll have to check back for the final details, but I'll give you a hint it's round and silverish and really funny! And all you have to do to win it, is write us a short letter about why you should win! Just be selfish, It pays!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Boycott This Summer's Sweatiest New Show! by Tod

Wow was i suprised to hear about Oxygen Channel's new show Dance Your Fat Ass Off: Seasons One. This is very offensive and should not be taken lying down. I have a friend who has a lot of fat on her asshole and when she hears about this she too will be angry!!! We should not let such shows become true. WTD!!

To make matter worse, they've even hired a skinny model and put her in a huge fat suit to play the hostess. The Oxygen Channel should be ashamed! I won't watch more than a few episodes of "Ass" and will turn it off if any of my fat friends come over! This can show them!!

When will this country learn it is not fair to make fun of fatsos! They were bourne with feelings just like the rest of us. Sure, they might look funny, but we aren't supposed to look at them, let alone put them in front of a camera. My Grandfather always said "Never look a fat person in the eyes, they will sense your disdain and may become irritable."

I wish all of America could believe like I do about being kind to fat people. If you ever see a fat person in person just try to smile and say something nice to them. And try not to use hot words like porky, lard-ass, and plumper. These words are considered offensible by most fat people. Remember they have rights too. Boycott this horridble show before it's too late.

Below are some fats who were inspired by "Ass" to try their hand at dancing.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Apple to Announce 5 Terabyte iPod! by Mike

Sources at Apple leaked the above press release to us today, officially making us the first to break the news of the iPod 5T, now the ultimate iPod! Five terabytes, a 4.5" plasma screen, and integrated Bose Dynamic Acoustic Simulation TM all for under 4k DAYUMM! And it only weighs 11 pounds. Gotsta haves it!

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Gyllenhaal and Witherspoon enjoy some shopping in New York's trendy SoHo district. by Mike

I'll make this short. Who gives a shit?

Or, let me put it this way, if I actually did care to know that, I would pull my car into my garage, close the garage door, and wait for death's sweet release. But hey, that's just me.

WMTDS is not suggesting, and is in not liable in any way for any action taken on the part of the reader. Additionally, if you are having thoughts of ending it all, please visit http://www.save.org/ and remember, we'd miss you on the hit counter. - WMTDS Legal Department & Staff

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Hey That Caramel Macchiato Sucked!

Today I went to the Starbuck Coffee Outlet Store across the street form the other Starbuck Coffee Outlet Store on the other side of the road and ordered a Starbuck Brand Caramel Flavored Macchiato Hot Drink from there drink menu. Now don't get me wrong, I am a strong fan of Caramel flavored drinks, and have only had 3 I ever didn't enjoy to the fullest!! But now my list is 4! Because my Starbuck Brand Caramel Flavored Macchiato Hot Drink tasted alot like a maggot infested pig anus that had spoiled and had been topped with Bleu Cheese from 1976 before being dunked in a septic tank filled with rotted corpses who had been fed soured meat products from animals who had died of serious infections! Don't get me wrong it wasn't the worst Caramel Flavored Drink I've ever had, but it was close...maybe a little too close. I don't suggest purchasing a Starbusck Brand Caramel Flavored Macchiato Hot Drink unless you're really hot and sweaty! That's a quick consumer tip from WMTDS!

On the plus side the biscotti was delectable.

One Night In Bangkok.

Last night in Houston was so fun. I drove drunk all night and made sweet sweet whoopy with a female lady!! I lived lifes to the fullest and didn't look back! But a quick look forward at my facebook account harshed my buzz! I recieved an angry letter from a fan of WMTDS who seems to think I am a part of the international cover up of the death of Mr. David Carrandines. Here is the letter:

"I'm so angry with you right now! I do appreciate you posting an article of rock and roll GOD Brett Michaels but, you haven't said anything in memorial to martial arts Deity David Carradine! A source (of mine, who was) close to "Grasshopper" says he has definitive evidence to prove the actual events which took place that fateful night in Bangkok!" Love J

I understand the angryness of all of you out there who believe that Carrandines was killed. Contrary to J's source however, my sources tell me that this mystery is a global hot tomato that I should avoid. So here's what I can give you...A tribute to "Grasshopper" and a tip, leave this one alone J.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

More Awesome Music News!

Britain's Got Talent "second placer" Susan Boyle and Ukrainian Idol runner-up Bohuslav Yevheny announced plans for a world tour today at small press conference outside of Liverpool. Yevheny (speaking through an interpreter) declared " Not since my ancestors suffered at the hands of our Soviet oppressors has my family been so shamed. I shall redeem my name in the eyes of my forefathers before death comes to claim my filthy soul!"

While Boyle brought a decidedly lighter tone to the proceedings. "F--k any and everyone who voted for that bunch of limp-wristed dandies, (referring to the dance squad who took first place on BGT.) I've seen more talent floating in the loo after I dropped a shepherd's pie."

The team initially extended an invite to American Idol loser Adam Lambert, until hearing the news of his announcement earlier in the week that he was, in fact, gay.

"I sleep on my stomach due to a wound I suffered during the Orange Revolution of '04." said Yevheny. Adding "I also sleep nude. This temptation would surely prove too great for young Lambert."

Boyle concurred "I had me enough of them fancy boys during my time on Talent."

The 'UK meets the Ukray...n' tour is scheduled to begin next fall. Get your tickets now.


Thank God that tomorrow finally is Friday!! Tomorrow during the day I am traveling to Houston TX on the half of WMTDS and Fluffsandwich. But mainly I AM GOING TO PARTY HARTY!!. I have some cans of beer and I'm going to drink all of them! If you are going to be on the road tomorrow late at night look out!! Because I'm the dezignated driver and I'm going to be breaking all the rules ! I will be just like Scotland's number one bad boy Colon Ferrells. If you want to buy me a drink or purchase an signed 8.5" x 11" image of me! Meet me at the Pub Fictions Sports Bar and Grill between 9:30 and 11:00. I will be ready for partying!!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Death Stickers!

I was driving to Dunking Donuts this morning to get a dozen donut holes, a jalepeno and ham ding dong, and a large glass of coffee when I looked up and saw that the car in front of me had a very sad stikker on the back window. In memory of... I couldn't stop thinking about the stikker all day until night. But more I couldn't stop thinking if somebody will put a stikker of me on their car when I die off. I can't think of a better way to keep someone in your heart than this. Now when I see old peopl I want to ask them "do you have your stikkers yet?" but they might be confused and attack me because they think I'm a mugger. No way I'm getting attacked by someone who has nothing to live for!

Get your death stikker now at: http://www.inmemorydecal.com/

It's Official! Andy's here to stay!

GOOD NEWS! After a long and laborious contract negotiation, we are proud to announce that long time friend and contributor Andy Stormcrow Cohen is now a full-time writer for the WMTDS blog/website and a proud member of the Fluffsandwich.com family. Andy will be heading the east coast division as well as providing op-ed pieces. You can expect a letter from Andy in the next few days with his take on things! Additionally I have officially been named Editor in Chief after much handwringing around the WMTDS offices. Things are definitley moving in the right direction. YES!! Get ready for the best, because it's yet to come!

More sad celebrity news!

I'm sad to report even more sad celebutante news this day. Earlier today I was informed that talks had ended regarding plans between Morgan Fox and myself to make an adult film together. After months of scripting, planning, and the purchased of an Aiptek A-HD 720P video recording camera, Foxx's camp repeatedly refused to accept my collect calls this morning. Below is an exerpt from my script: "In the Arms of a Stranger"

"They were as close as two people can be and still be alive. She was looking into his eye. He was weeping.

Morgan: What's wrong Tod?
Tod: Oh nothing. Why do you ask?
Morgan: Please tell me.

That is all I can post here. If you are a Hollywood producer looking for a proffesionally written story to film. Please contact me ASAP.

Also if you are in the market for a high end HD proffesional video camera also contact me. I must sell before my wife returns from her mother's house next Wednesday.

Please enjoiy this elegant tribute to the beautiful Morgan Foxx and look for her in the upcoming blockbuster Transformers II : Rise of the Silver Surfer.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Spears set to perform at Michaels Memorial Service!

International celebrity and entrepreneur Britney Spears is set to perform at a special Memorial Service/Pancake Supper for fallen singer Brett Michaels. Organizers hope to raise enough money to buy up all known copies of Michaels' directorial debut 'A Letter from Death Row'.

"We feel it's time to bury 'Letter' as well, so that Brett can truly rest in peace and be remembered for his more legitimate efforts such as Rock of Love: Season 2" said an unnamed member of the memorial staff.

When asked why she had chosen to take a break from her world tour to perform for the fund raiser Spears answered, "I want to honor Brett by performing all my biggest hits and speaking about the troops...Brett loved the troops." Taking a quick break from sound-checking to grab a handful of pan sausage she added "I know he'd want it this way."

You can get a sneak peak at Spears set list below.

Brett Michaels Beheaded at 2009 Tony Awards!

Last night I was watching the Tony awards and my 3rd favorite singer Brett Michaels of Dokken was beheaded, live on stage!! Lickily a bloated Reese Witherspoons began singing to distract the audience from mr. Michaels sad turn of events. I hope they save his hat for the Hall of fame! But not only did I lose a great friend and wonderful entertainer, but Tony Danza never even showed up to accept the award! Why does life give such hard blows?

Monday, June 8, 2009

Rifftrax DVD Bundle!

Today I signed onto my hotmail account and recieved great news! Rifftrax is finally coming out on DVD! But the good news didn't stop there deepdiscount.com has them for preorder at a ridiculous price. I ordered my copy, go get yours now! BUT WAIT before you leave, read our reviews. And make Tod your friend.

Cinematic Titanic : The Oozing Skull

I loved Mystery Science Theater 3000, still do. So I bought the Cinematic Titanic's "The Oozing Skull" for just $9.95 at EZtakes.com Let me tell you my friend's, MST3K is back and firing on all cylinders! Buy it, watch it, and tell your friends about it or better yet, buy them a copy and surprise 'em! And no, I don't have any finacial interest, I just want them to keep giving me something to laugh at.

Dookie on my shoe!

Today I went out to eat and enjoyed a nice samdwich with a hand sqeezed lemonaide and a fresh side salad with Ranch Salad Topping. On my way out the door I stepped in a pile of dogmess. Why did someone do this act? Why ca'nt peeple scoop up there dookies? Now my new Air Jordans have to get cleened. If I get my hand on this dogs owner I will show him a thing or 2! IM AS MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!! >:( TTFN!

Sunday, June 7, 2009

30 Rocks From the Sun.

Wow I',m on a role! I just finished watching another movie. This won is called 30 ROCK and man was it long. I liked the movie but it was longer than The Lord's Rings. Over 5 hours and spread over 3 discs. Wow my eyes hurt! The hero is a lady and she is quite beautiful. She is trying to direct a good tv sitcom called Tracy's Place but the bad guy upstairs (the handsome man on the right) is trying to stop her! Also Tracy (the strange man on the left played by Martin of Martin) is also making her job hard. Lickily she has some allys who help her. If you have a dvd machine please buy this movie,,, you won't have guilt about it. Prepare to ROLF! and LOL!

Open mic night at the Meridian.

Monday night is open mic night at The Meridian. Will I be strong enough as a man to rise to the stage? I look to Dan Johnson for insperation. Pray for me to have the strength to deliver my jokes! Hey why don't you come out and try your hand at standing comedy?

Paul Blart-Mall Cops.

The night before today I watched the movie Paul Blart: mall cops. What a good movie! I laufghed so hard I sh-t my pants. Litterraly! Luckily it was a solid so I blamed my dog Lamar for the smells. He always stinks so I think my girlfrind Serah believed me. Now that was a close one! anyways after the movie I cleaned up with some Clorox brand wet wipes and me and Serah had a long discussion about whut we had seen. The movie Paul Blart: mall cops was really strong with deep thoughts. I woodn't advise watching Paul Blart: mall cops alone though. You might feel overwhelmed. But if you have a frind or two it will b fun! LOL! thums up for me. BUY IT!!!!